My Story: Roots to get the wings

I grew up in Virgina and Ohio in a very loving, slightly chaotic family (our motto still is: we keep the FUN in dysFUNctional…it was here that I learned to love & look at life with humor…thanks mom & dad for the roots & wings!)   The cultural climate around me was a very middle-of-the-road type of American environment, and I always dreamed of more out of life since I was conscious that that was an option (spending a few days with 2 amazing hippie-punk hitchhikers in San Fransisco when I was 12 were very influential in this…Miles and Allie, wherever you guys are now, you can now know that your free-spirits touched a maleable, 12 year-old-pre-teen-me from Ohio…thanks!)

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Instead of immediately studying at University (after 4 years at an intense and competitive all-girl’s Catholic High School), I became an exchange student for one year in The Netherlands, which has been one of the most pivotal years in my life so far: I learned how it was to truly BE and LIVE in the moment (instead of always preparing for the future), I had some deep mystical experiences that awoke my thirst for the mysteries of life, and fell deeply & madly in love.

After that mind-heart-soul blowing year, I studied Buddhism and Anthropology at one of the best universities in the USA, but ended up dropping out before completion due to deep lack of the meat, bones, soul & magic that I was not finding in Academia…my heart and soul longed for more…

I immigrated to Holland in 2000, to follow my heart: to the man I deeply loved (we intuitively eloped and married…our heads were not involved with that decision at all...that was a pure stomach-heart-soul kind of decision, the type you know is your destiny) and as an escape from the harsh, darwinistic American culture. With great joy (being in love helped) and A LOT of hard work, I chiseled away quite a lovely life in Holland for 10 whole years: learned Dutch (and became a naturalized Dutch citizen), put myself through Holistic-Massage school (finally getting closer to my heart’s longing), organized my first magical gatherings crossing over the spirit of DIY-spirituality-& creative partying, and formed an amazing network of beautiful friends (of which I am still so gratefully connected to and love).

I was the breadwinner of my “family of 2” for several years, working over-time in natural health foods and as a Massage-Therapist. I owned my own Holistic-massage & coaching practice for 6 years, worked at several detox-retreat centers and yoga schools in Holland and Portugal, and studied many various therapeutical healing forms for several years. In between all that, music was my passion and life-line, and I DJed at various events ranging from Yoga Clubbin’, to DIY mini-festivals, and my own “conscious dance” Sunday-evening party, Sonic Sundays. I lived with much joy in Holland, and at the same time, I was open to more.

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image Eugenia Loli

 

In 2010, after many doubts and A LOT of thinking and feeling, I moved together with my Dutch husband to Berlin, and found the great challenge of immigrating once again. I worked really hard to form my little slice of paradise in Berlin’s vibrant, creative matrix, but it was ROUGH (Berlin didn’t exactly immediately open it’s arms with glee for another ex-pat chick with open-hearted enthusiasm…it was more like a cold shoulder, but I kept on going).

I learned German, I organized a successful Urban Yoga Retreat (combining yoga with street-art), and set up a small massage practice. And then the shit hit the fan: my relationship went through a HUGE turn for the worse, and I lived through one year of hell that truly felt like a breakdown of myself on every level (physical, mental, emotional & social…spiritual as well, but luckily there were a few spiritual anchors that I could hold on to)…I found a way out, and once I physically got out, I realized that the situation I was in was damaging to my spirit and growth. After a lot of soul-searching and grievance, I decided to end my 14 year old marriage, most definitely the most difficult decision of my life.

when life goes upside down, you get to see it from different..perspectives... photo Philipp Wittulsky
when life goes upside down, you get to see it from different..perspectives…
photo Philipp Wittulsky

Since 2013, after what I consider my “death-and-rebirth”, I have indeed been re-birthing myself, from the inside-out, on much deeper levels than ever before: I have been finding my “tribe” here in Berlin (and am so grateful to have finally found people and friends I not only resonate with, but who I can lean on for support and fun), I have been moving from pure-survival to joyous-thriving, I have re-kindled my love and passion for DJing, music and magical gatherings, and have discovered so many different new riches and gems (Sacred Cacao, women’s circles, Lucid, POWERFUL self-love) and I now know that there is beauty in the breakdown: as I heal and re-claim lost parts of myself, I can look back upon my life’s path with less and less shame and sadness for my mistakes and failures, but take great pride and joy for the wisdom I have received and am receiving from both the euphoric highs and ego-crushing lows in my life…

My hero Joseph Campbell said 2 quotes that are my rocks: “You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.” & “Follow your Bliss”…I now know that life is super messy, but simply SOAKED in magic and little bliss bombs that want to lead us in the directions of our heart’s deepest longing…Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it all fits together, sometimes it’s almost too beautiful to bear….all I know now: I’m life’s little bliss-bitch from now on…

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photo Philipp Wittulsky

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